SUPPLEMENTARY PUNCTUATION MARKS

I am writing this to address what I feel is a very real problem with Blogs, and in fact all writing in general. We are tied to a language that makes up in obscurity what it lacks in style. Further, when speaking to another we can use inflection and body language to get our meaning across. Sadly the written word hampers our efforts at communication. Reading may be fundamental, but to communication it is an impediment. Jesus taught in parables. Would he have been so successful if he had written pamphlets? I think not.
Thus, I have taken it upon myself to work out a series of special punctuation characters for our usage that will clarify our writings and thus aid communication and act to prevent misunderstandings.

(w)- This is the symbol for sarcasm. Use this symbol at the end of a sentence or immediately following a word as appropriate to demonstrate that you are making a sarcastic comment. (w) was chosen because there is a saying, often attributed to Oscar Wilde, but for which we have no proof that he said, however it sounds like the sort of thing he would say and that should be good enough, which goes “Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour and the highest form of wit.” Since wit begins with a “w”, the symbol for sarcasm shall be (w).

(Fe)- This is the symbol for irony. Use this symbol when the statement you are making is intentionally ironic. Since Alanis Morrisett wrote that song saying ‘isn’t it ironic’ when none of those things were, in fact, ironic, it has come to my attention that the bulk of America has no concept of irony. Let’s take steps to correct that.

(T)- This is the symbol to employ when something you have said was in jest. Such as a humourous comment that could be misconstrued as insulting, but that you meant it in jest. Since many a truth is spoken in jest and Truth begins with “T”, this is the proper symbol.

(oIo)- This is the symbol for satire. As you can clearly see it is a shaft and a set of balls. Use it when what you are employing is satire. Since the satirist relies upon his audience’s knowledge of the topic at hand and the hopes that his audience is quick enough on the uptake to realize the work is satirical and must not be taken at face value, this mark is essential in the modern world.

(*)- This is used to label what is clearly an opinion and not a solid fact. Many people get the two confused, so this should be most helpful. If you look at it right and squint you will see it bears a resemblance to the Ol Brown Eye. Since opinions are like arseholes…you get the idea.

(BS)- This mark is used when you are attempting to pass off what is apocryphal as a solid fact, especially if you are not going to cite sources.

Allow me to provide some examples.

1. Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears. I come not to praise Caesar but to bury him. (Fe)

2. Spider-Man is the greatest hero ever. (*)

3. Wicca is an ancient nature religion with pre-Christian roots. It was started by the Celts long before the evil Romans ever came to the Emerald Isle. (BS)

4. Jinrikisha is hung like a baby carrot and a couple of English peas. (T)

5. Another Kevin Costner vehicle? I can’t wait to see that. (w)

6. In order to protect the struggling minority classes, it is clear to me, as it should be to any right thinking, feeling person, that the oppressive white male culture MUST be disenfranchised. (oIo)

I hope this helps. If we all pull together on this we might be able to make it a nationwide phenomenon and improve everyone’s understanding of the written word.

Thank you and G-d bless.

Once upon a time there was a land called Europe. It was full of people of diverse cultures and languages, but they shared a common trait in that they had an oral culture. Being primarily farmers, these people would pass long dark winter evenings by telling tales that were meant for adults and children alike. These tales were meant to both entertain and frighten and they had meaning. Within each tale was a lesson to be learned, sometimes multiple lessons. These tales rarely ended happily.

Then one fine day the oral culture was supplanted by a literary culture and many of the people were no longer farmers. This was okay because the tales continued to be told, and although the various people lived in different lands and spoke in different tongues, the tales were all very much alike in all the important points. And one by one the tales were written down by different authors and some of the authors changed the tales, or perhaps they simply heard different versions. No one can really say to this day.

One fine day a new, magical land was discovered and they called it America. And America never had an oral culture to speak of, but that was okay because people from all over Europe came to America and brought the tales with them either in memory or in print. And time passed and the green land of America blossomed until one day it was determined that the tales and their lessons were no longer proper and so the tales were changed and new versions of the tales were printed. And the children of America grew up happy in their ignorance and they too had children and their children had children. And like their fathers and mothers before them, they too thought the tales were a bit too much for the youth and decidedly unmarketable given the globalized community that the green land had become, and so the tales were changed again. And eventually the children grew up and never knew that their tales had been changed to make them safer for developing minds and more marketable for media conglomerates run by anthropomorphic rodents in short pants. And first Le Petit Chaperon Rouge and then Rotkappchen disappeared until all the children had left was a syrupy happy ending. And thus did childhood extend ever until death and adulthood was hidden away for ever. And they all found out one day that there was no happily ever after. Too bad they weren’t prepared for it.